by JACK MALONE
I am going to take you on a journey that will fundamentally change the way you think.
The most bothersome thing I can think about in the entire world is the existence of useless tourist monuments, specifically Stonehenge.
For those who don’t know, Stonehenge is a circle of tall rocks in England. I Googled “What to do at Stonehenge,” and even the author of Hellotickets.com’s “8 Best Things to Do in Stonehenge” was lost.
This is because there are not eight things to do in Stonehenge. There’s only one: Demolish it.
Stonehenge, furthermore, takes up prime real estate. I’ve never been to Wiltshire or any part of England for that matter–I avoid it at all costs. England lacks corporate American staples, such as Hooters, Applebee’s, and TGI Fridays … hallmarks of warmth, success and hospitality.
There is not a single Applebee’s or Chili’s in England. It seems like the Brits across the pond resort to beans on toast, blood sausage or whatever other culinary abominations occur in the land where flavor goes to die. Unlike mozzarella sticks or blooming onions, British cuisine is the opposite of delicious and welcoming.
But back to Stonehenge. If we demolish that useless monument and replace it with something better–a Chili’s, say–I’m sure people would be much happier and tourism would shoot through the roof
Look up Stonehenge, and you won’t find a single photo of someone smiling. Images of the aforementioned food chains, however, include buffalo wings, sliders and fries, all foods that bring a smile to any face.
I’m a man of action, so I found a petition to support my cause. The creator suggests putting an iHop or Lowes on the site of Stonehenge, which is good enough for me. I signed it, and you should, too. If you don’t, then you probably support British imperialism, which is lame. The UK fell off dramatically after 1776.
Consider the reasonably priced appetizers. Consider the possibilities. First Stonehenge, but the movement doesn’t stop there. The Colosseum could be a Taco Bell. Statue of Liberty? More like parking spaces for extra hot-dog carts.
Join the cause today and receive a free T-shirt!
Jack Malone is a sophomore at Chadwick.
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