by ABBY COE-SULLIVAN
The Core Values are a hallmark of the Chadwick experience. Chadwick students live by the values of honesty, respect, something about not cheating and the other one. But recently, outgoing Head of School Tom Sheppard has announced that as a parting gift, he will leave the community with a new Core Value: coolness.
“For too long, Chadwick kids have just been … uncool,” says a ninth-grade student who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s time that something was done about this. Like, I play football, but it’s still Chadwick football.”
“I don’t want my son to be a loser,” confessed the parent of a senior. “I’m glad to see that Sheppard is taking the steps to make sure he improves in his … areas for growth.”
“Coolness is a worthwhile Core Value in the context of each of us engaging in the eternal search for the coolness that exists within all of us,” Sheppard explained.
In efforts to enforce this new value, students will receive yet another Google Form in their inboxes. They will rate all faculty and staff in levels of general coolness, slang terms used (correctly) per hour, and whether they assign cumulative finals.
The 15 lowest-ranking teachers will be dismissed, as, according to an anonymous English teacher, “We can’t afford this level of nerdiness in Chadwick’s esteemed halls. We’re already a private school; we can’t have dorky teachers, too!”
The remaining faculty will have a widely televised fight to the death (social, not literal, in accordance with the latest CDC guidelines) to prove their coolness. To promote attendance, Sheppard will provide catering from Chipotle or the Red Onion for all students.
Other measures will be taken to ensure swag remains a priority. The Honor Council will provide an anonymous tip box in which students can turn in any students they think are criminally uncool. These students will be evaluated by another council of the coolest students and receive a personalized plan for improvement. The Coolness Council will be a separate sector of the Honor Council, led by students selected by their peers in cut-throat monthly elections.
Every club will be closely inspected for its coolness. Any that promote academic achievement or theater will be tried, accused and most likely found guilty. The overall coolness level of Chadwick School will not take a hit from congregations of unpopularity.
For students worried about their social status and potential disciplinary action, Sheppard provided an extensive list of steps to increase coolness.
Measures include dying your hair neon blue, wearing Doc Martens, befriending those on the Coolness Council, joining any team sport except for golf, and loudly vocalizing your disdain for all school spirit activities.
Wearing large hats and pajama pants is sometimes recommended, sometimes highly advised against. It really depends. If you need more advice, feel free to ask questions (as long as you make it clear you’re asking for a friend).
Chadwick has too long been a school of “let’s face it, lonely nerds,” summed up one Upper School faculty member.
“We’re so pathetic, it’s difficult to work here. So let’s join together and create a better Chadwick. A brighter Chadwick. A cooler Chadwick.”
The Mainsheet 