by PARKER ALBARIAN
EDITOR IN CHIEF
A common misconception needs to be cleared up: Dance is not a sport. It never has been … and it never will be. In fact, dance is not even a form of exercise. Ex-
ercise contains aspects of cardio, flexibility and muscular strength—these are the attributes often associated with sports. However, dance, which emphasizes these very skills, has recently faced scrutiny over whether it should qualify for sport credits, much like the now-defunct cheer squad. Junior Lauren Dillavou, who dances 25 hours a week, admits, “I’ve never been more out of shape in my life!”
Following numerous complaints filed with the Upper School deans, a trial was conducted to determine if Dance Company and Dance PE should continue to receive sport credits. To fairly evaluate this form of expression, a model was needed—an exemplary group demonstrating strength, mobility, and, most importantly, class.
Patrick Wallace, the head of the investigation and Dean of Students for 11th and 12th Grade, sought a model team with an active Instagram presence featuring dramatic music, bench-press footage, and loud chants. His first approach was to the boys’ soccer team. “How do you feel about Dance Company offering sport credits?” he asked the group of athletes on Commander Field. Senior captain and winger Beckett Meisel responded, “We risk our lives every day for that beautiful black and white ball. What do dancers risk their lives for?” While this was a valid point, Wallace soon discovered that the soccer players did not film aesthetic workout reels, disqualifying them from the investigation.
Next, Wallace visited an esports workout session. Although the players exhibited extreme finger mobility and strategic thinking—traits he admired—esports lacked the necessary loud chants and team spirit, as it is more of an individual sport.
Fortunately, the Chadwick 8-man football team emerged as a promising model. Known for their online presence and light-hearted approach, they fit the bill. Members of Dance Company had previously boasted about “benching each other” to support their fellow dancers. “We are basically benching each other,” said sophomore Eleanor Baldovin. This comment sparked a reaction from senior Austin Ransford, a football cornerback and running back, who argued, “If you don’t bench a metal pole, you are not a real athlete!”
The football team took some time to process their emotions and focus on their own physical well-being. They retreated to the gym to play music and exercise together. “There is something about moving with my team to some bussin’ beats that heals my body,” said sophomore Michael Schnabel. Perhaps Dance Company and football are more alike than initially thought—nah!
Regardless, Dance Company’s final show, Beyond the Frame, will be held Saturday night at Laverty. Thanks to Wallace and the football team, the debate over whether dance constitutes an athletic performance may come to a close.
Kindra Windish, Director of Dance and Interim Performing Arts Department Chair, remarked, “After more than 30 years of dancing professionally, I am so glad that I have finally been put in my place. I would also like to announce that I will be the assistant football coach next year. They need ballet training!”
The Mainsheet 