by CADY MAAS
STAFF WRITER
Almost 400 years after Newton’s grand discovery, an Apple has once again brought a wonderful new breakthrough in the modern world: the iPhone Chadwick.
iPhone Chadwick, in addition to the classic Apple feature such as four cameras, back-in-style flip phone technology and Apple device-specific charging cables for your convenience, comes complete with a set of Chadwick student-centered advantages!
Phone Chadwick features the Extra Helpline–a speed-dial to Dean of Students, 9th and 10th Grade Marielle Sallo’s cell that can be used at all hours of the day.
The Extra Helpline is expected to bring about an exponential increase in communication and bonding between Dr. Sallo and the greater student body.
Students can be closer to the faculty and staff than ever before!
In addition to Dr. Sallo’s Extra Helpline, student phones will also be delivered fully stocked with teacher contact information, complete with home addresses, social security numbers and even social media accounts!
The new cell also comes with a number of built-in apps, such as Cafeteria Grubhub, quick digital access to all your favorite snacks from inside your classrooms (no more 20 minute trips to the bathroom!); Excuse Generator, the most convenient tardy-excusing app ever created; Margaret Chadwick: the app, an image of Margaret Chadwick’s face that you can look at for good luck and the new social media platform Instagrade, an app that shares your grades and GPA with your peers and produces a real-time leaderboard of the academic standings of your class-
mates!
Apple has also blessed the Chadwick community with a number of other smaller features the Chadwick community should feel right at home with, such as instant absence and tardy reminders, slow Wi-Fi and an automated self-de-
struct sequence if the phone’s constantly-running microphone picks up any statement that goes against the Chadwick Core Values.
And, naturally, the iPhone Chadwick prohibits the download of VPNs.
Of course, no Chadwick student has ever used a VPN, so it shouldn’t be that much of a change.
An anonymous beta-tester and Chadwick sophomore offered the following comment: “iPhone Chadwick has changed my life. I’ve never been more productive, and I’m so glad I no longer have social media–it’s such a distraction to my education!”
Despite their initial excitement, student testers of the iPhone’s pre-release were quick to raise concerns about the price of
the new technology.
In response to these complaints, the Student Council has been actively working to lower the prices and make these phones more affordable and available to
Chadwick students. These efforts have so far resulted only in small decreases to the cost, but the student council’s efforts will continue indefinitely.
The iPhone Chadwick will officially hit the market on April 31st.
Pre-order your new companion now!
The Mainsheet 