by MICHAEL CASS
Faculty recently enjoyed a day off from school to allow Upper School students to participate in their annual Unprofessional Development Day. This unique event gave students the opportunity to attend workshops and seminars designed to deepen their lack of professionalism and reinforce their general apathetic approach to their studies.
Among the more popular workshops were: “How To Sleep In Class Without Being Noticed,” “The Power of Shared Earbuds,” “Tardies Don’t Matter,” “Nobody Knows You’re Texting When You Stare At Your Crotch For 15 Minutes Straight,” and “5 Easy Ways To Get Your Teacher Off-Topic.”
ASB President Parker Albarian expressed her satisfaction with the event. “If the big difference I make in this school’s history is bigger indifference, then color me proud!” she declared. Senior Class President Audrey Lin was asked to comment but only stared silently before walking away with a sigh, which Albarian observed with pride.
Students overwhelmingly praised the day. Senior Caleb Kim found the sleeping workshop particularly beneficial, stating, “I can take my in-class napping to a whole new level with what I learned! I feel like I’ll be sleeping on the shoulders of giants! I’m going to take this knowledge to college … zzzzzz.” Senior Kai Dodson, who arrived late to his own workshop on tardiness, remarked, “If I can give even a little guidance to the students coming up behind me, then I will be happy. In fact, I … oh, shoot, I’m late to something. See ya!”
Freshmen were especially enthusiastic about the “How To Get Out Of Class Before Your Sports Team’s Official Release Time” seminar. Freshman Michael McGowan shared, “I learned that if I put on a team sweatshirt, it really sells the idea that I am dedicated. So I clearly must need to leave at the time I say instead of what’s posted. I’m thinking about getting sweatshirts for multiple teams so I can get to lunch early three or four days a week! Man, what a great day today was!”
Most faculty members also enjoyed their day off. Mr. Ramos, for instance, spent the day at a Pokémon Go pop-up store in Hollywood, sharing tips with other experts. “You can’t expect to win every battle, but now I can release my inner Butterfree and win most of them,” he shared with an excited Dr. Sacco. Ms. Machnij and Ms. ElGhitany spent their day at Six Flags Magic Mountain. “Bruh, it was bangin!” exclaimed Ms. ElGhitany. “We pwned Goliath!” added Ms. Machnij.
Not everyone was thrilled, however. Mr. Cass, who was stuck in Extended Day while waiting for his sons to finish their workshops, lamented, “It was fun for some of the day, but it was, like, a long day, and I wanted to go to Dave & Buster’s instead. My friends got to go to the mall and get Cinnabon, and all I got was a stale sandwich on campus. I would have rather been stuck teaching my boring classes. Jeez.”
When asked about continuing this tradition next year, Mr. Wallace, Dean of Students for 11th and 12th Grade, replied while wiping sand off his legs, “Hey, it’s got, uh, educational value or something. Seriously, the opportunity cost to catch some rays and some waves was too good to pass up.”
Proposals for next year’s workshops are already rolling in, including: “So You Wanna Be A Teacher’s Pet?”, “Leaving Class 6 Times Each Period Is Possible!”, “Make Comments Early In Discussions To Score Points,” and “If Your Backpack Is In The Classroom They Can’t Mark You Late.”
Michael Cass is a math teacher, advisor, and faculty advisor of the ChImps Improvisers at Chadwick.
The Mainsheet 